GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
 God would like to thank you for your belief
 and patronage. In order to
 better serve your needs, He asks that you
 take a few moments to answer the  following
 questions.
 Please keep in mind that your responses will
 be kept completely
 confidential, and that you need not disclose
 your name or address unless you prefer a
 direct response to comments or suggestions.
 1. How did you find out about your Deity?
 ___ Newspaper
 ___ Bible
 ___ Torah
 ___ Book of Mormon
 ___ Koran
 ___ Divine inspiration
 ___ Dead Sea Scrolls
 ___ My mama done tol' me
 ___ Near-death experience
 ___ Near-life experience
 ___ National Public Radio
 ___ Tabloid
 ___ Burning shrubbery
 ___ Other (specify): _____________
 2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
 ___ Yahweh
 ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
 ___ Jehovah
 ___ Jesus
 ___ Krishna
 ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
 ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
 ___ Allah
 ___ Satan
 ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
 ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
 ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
 ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a
 false god.
 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with
 all parts in good working order and with no
 obvious breakage or missing attributes?
 ___ Yes
 ___ No
 If no, please describe the problems you
 initially encountered here. Please indicate
 all that apply:
 ___ Not eternal
 ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or
 inhabit the entire cosmos
  __ Not omniscient
 ___ Not omnipotent
 ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of
 being all things to all creations)
 ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
 ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
 ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse
 Helms)
 ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to
 good people
 ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
 ___ Requires burnt offerings
 ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
 ___ Plays dice with the universe
 4. What factors were relevant in your
 decision to acquire a Deity?
 Please check all that apply.
 ___ Indoctrinated by parents
 ___ Needed a reason to live
 ___ Indoctrinated by society
 ___ Needed focus in whom to despise
 ___ Imaginary friend grew up
 ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical
 sense
 ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
 ___ Hate to think for myself
 ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
 ___ Fear of death
 ___ Wanted to piss off parents
 ___ Needed a day away from work
 ___ Desperate need for certainty
 ___ Like organ music
 ___ Need to feel morally superior
 ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
 ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to
 do it.
 5. Have you worshipped a Deity before? If
 so, which false god fooled you?  Please
 check all that apply.
 ___ Mick Jagger
 ___ Rajneesh
 ___ Baal
 ___ The almighty dollar
 ___ Bill Gates
 ___ Left-wing liberalism
 ___ The radical right
 ___ Ra
 ___ Beelzebub
 ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
 ___ The Great Spirit
 ___ The Great Pumpkin
 ___ The sun
 ___ Elvis
 ___ Cindy Crawford
 ___ The moon
 ___ TV news
 ___ Burning shrubbery
 ___ Other: ________________
 6. Are you currently using any other source
 of inspiration in addition
 to God? Please check all that apply.
 __ Tarot
 __ Lottery
 __ Astrology
 __ Television
 __ Fortune cookies
 __ Ann Landers
 __ Psychic Friends Network
 __ Dianetics
 __ Palmistry
 __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
 __ Self-help books
 __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
 __ Biorhythms
 __ Alcohol
 __ Bill Clinton
 __ Tea leaves
 __ EST
 __ CompuServe
 __ Mantras
 __ Jimmy Swaggert
 __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
 __ Human sacrifice
 __ Pyramids
 __ Wandering in a desert
 __ Burning shrubbery
 __ Barney T.B.P.D.
 __ Barney Fife
  __ Other:___________

 7. God employs a limited degree of divine
 intervention to preserve the
 balanced level of felt presence and blind
 faith. Which would you prefer(circle one)?
 a. More divine intervention
 b. Less divine intervention
 c. Current level of divine intervention is
 just right
 d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?
 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced
 level of disasters and
 miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5
 his handling of the following  (1=3
 unsatisfactory, 5=3 excellent):
 Disasters:
 flood 1 2 3 4 5
 famine 1 2 3 4 5
 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
 war 1 2 3 4 5
 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
 plague 1 2 3 4 5
 spam 1 2 3 4 5
 AOL 1 2 3 4 5
 Miracles:
 rescues 1 2 3 4 5
 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
 stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
 Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
 getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
 9. Do you have any additional comments or
 suggestions for improving the   quality of
 God's services? (Attach an additional sheet
 if necessary.)
 If you are able to complete the
 questionnaire and return it to one of our
 conveniently located drop-off boxes by
 October 31 you will be entered in the One
 Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances
 of winning are
 approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d
 power, depending on number of beings
 entered).