REDNECK ODE TO HIS VALENTINE
 
      Kudzu is green,
      my dog's name is Blue
      And I'm so lucky
      to have a sweet thang like you.
 
      Yore hair is like cornsilk
      A-flapping in the breeze.
      Softer than Blue's
      And without all them fleas.
 
      You move like the bass,
      Which excite me in May.
      You ain't got no scales
      But I luv you anyway.
 
      You're as graceful as okry
      Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
      Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
      Right out of the can.
 
      You have all yore teeth,
      For which I am proud;
      I hold my head high
      When we're in a crowd.
 
      On special occasions,
      When you shave yore armpits,
      Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
      I'm plumb outta my wits.
 
      And speakin' of wits,
      You've got plenty fer shore.
      'Cuz you married me
      Back in '74.
 
      Still them fellers at work
      They all want to know,
      What I did to deserve
      Such a purty, young doe.
 
      Like a good roll of duct tape
      Yo're there fer yore man,
      To patch up life's troubles
      And stick 'em in the can.
 
      Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
      Racin' through the mud,
      Yet fragile as that sanger
      Named Naomi Judd.
 
      Yo're as cute as a junebug
      A-buzzin' overhead.
      You ain't mean like no far ant
      Upon which I oft' tread.
 
      Cut from the best pattern
      Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
      You sparked up my life
      Like a Rattletrap shad.
 
      When you hold me real tight
      Like a padded gunrack,
      My life is complete;
      Ain't nuttin' I lack.
 
      Yore complexion, it's perfection,
      Like the best vinyl sidin'.
      Despite all the years,
      Yore age, it keeps hidin'.
 
      And when you get old
      Like a '57 Chevy,
      Won't put you on blocks
      And let grass grow up heavy.
 
      Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
      With a RC cold drank,
      We go together
      Like a skunk goes with stank.
 
      Some men, they buy chocolate
      For Valentine's Day;
      They git it at Wal-Mart,
      It's romantic that way.
 
      Some men git roses
      On that special day
      From the cooler at Kroger.
      "That's impressive," I say.
 
      Some men buy fine diamonds
      From a flea market booth.
      "Diamonds are forever,"
      They explain, suave and couth.
 
      But for this man, honey,
      These will not do.
      For you are too special,
      You sweet thang you.
 
      I got you a gift,
      Without taste nor odor,
      Better than diamonds
      it's a new ridin' mower